|Joan was inducted into the TV Stars Walk of Fame in 2nd place.|
|Hello, everyone, I'm Joan Callamezzo, and welcome to another special series of Pawnee Today!|
Joan Callamezzo is a contestant on TV Stars Hawaii. She is best known for her challenge domination and MVP vote domination that allowed her to make it to the final three, where she was tragically eliminated by her enemy, Reed Kelly. She is also known for being immune for eight rounds in a row.
She returned in TV Stars Superstar Showdown and fought harder to get to the end after being at the bottom of the game the entire time, and she ultimately lost in the finale to her ally, Louisa Rose Allen. She is best remembered this season for talking Rachel into using her RSVP on her to flip the game.
Because of her great challenge skills and social game, Joan is often seen as one of the most ruthless players in the history of the show.
TV Stars Hawaii
Joan Callamezzo entered the game in Secret to Success. With the first line of the episode, Joan asked if the cameras were rolling. Upon noticing the cameras staring at her, she said to them, “Good morning, everyone!” and went on to introduce herself as Joan Callamezzo, the host of Pawnee Today.
She said that she was doing a special report, and that it featured her on location in the beautiful Hawaiian Islands. After being corrected by someone speaking through her earpiece, she said “…in BEAUTIFUL Hawaii!”.
She continued her plastic smile and told Walnut, after he asked what she was doing, that she was reporting on ‘something’. In exchange for immunity, Joan offered to go back to her place after the game, but the Host did not listen to her bet.
After barely losing the first VIP challenge, Joan motioned to her supposed camera men and reported that she had news from inside the house for “some Hawaiian nature show”. She explained that the Host was actually a Hawaiian tribesman explaining the concept of the show to a lucky American audience, and then laughed.
She pointed to Audrey and had a camera follow her as she tried to get an interview in with her for winning the challenge. Privately, Joan ‘interviewed’ Audrey and became a friend to her.
Joan reported that the interview was exhilarating, and that “Andrea” was a great winner of the key finding competition. She said she was determined to find out what Audrey’s secret was, and that it was her job to do so.
After hearing that Linda was drunk, Joan reported that she thought she heard someone say they were drunk – and then she went to go check in with the supposed alcoholic. After interviewing her, she shouted that she had confirmation that Linda was a raging alcoholic.
Joan listened in to her earpiece and then reported to the house that Reed had been caught eating pasta on his Hawaiian vacation, and then says that it “sounded like carbs” to her.
Reed heard this and told her that he did not eat carbs, and Joan replied by saying that he was a secret Italian food fanatic as well as avid vacationer who was supposed to be on a writers’ retreat in Muskoka. In a confessional, Reed expressed how angry he was that she would dare to call him fat.
Princess Pin asked what a “TV” was, and Joan laughed. She asked if she would consider herself to be a literary fanatic, and then asked if she would like to check out one of many books endorsed by herself for “Joan’s Book Club”.
At elimination, Joan told Reed that she ran the show, and then was happy that that was not caught on camera. She said she was surprised that she got only three votes, and then reported that the Hawaiian traditions in the house were very strange.
In episode two, Scandalous!, Joan found out that Doug and Greeling were both behind an alliance, which she reported to be a cult. She revealed she was going in for an interview with the cult leaders, and then reported to her cameras that the two had been caught in a “cult sacrifice scandal”. According to her, Doug threatened to kill Greeling if he did not join him in the secret and elusive cult.
She reported that violent and tragic events were happening behind-the-scenes. Joan then found out that Greeling had Greed and LingYao living inside of his head, and reported that he had multiple personality disorder. She told the cameras that the Hawaiians had an untreated and wild case of dissociative identity disorder.
“First, Linda the alcoholic, cult members, and then mental patients!”
Joan then revealed that she planned on doing a segment on the mental hospital that appeared to be the Greed-Dimmadome cult.
Joan commented that Gossip Tasks would be easy for her because those types of challenges are her specialty. She announced that it would be easy to report on, and revealed she said that because the Hawaiians said that the Paparazzi was coming.
After the VIP challenge, Joan attempted to name the Seal after herself, and then said that the segment of the show appeared to be focused on a new species of seal that had just been discovered. She then said that reporting on the Seal made for awful television, and then turned to Greeling.
She asked if his other personality and told him of his disorder, and then asked how his Satanist cult was going. She questioned how many personalities were running around in his head, and asked who the true Greeling was.
After his angry response, Joan reported that Reed, besides being a “CARBLOADER”, was also able to talk to animals. She then came to the conclusion that he was an avid supporter of bestiality, and then asked for his opinion on the shocking revelation.
After finding out that the seal was being named Mohammed, Joan reported that the Hawaiians had terrible taste in naming. Greeling then told her that he liked her, and then she asked how he could show his face after the allegations that he wa threatening to kill Doug if he did not join his “Satanist cult”.
The TV Stars News showed that Mystic Snake wanted to eat Joan’s face off, and Joan proceeded to report this to her cameras, and said that Hawaii had mutant and hostile wildlife.
Greeling said, as Greed, that his true face was a mixture of LingYao and Greed both. Joan asked if this was the true Greeling, and Greeling told her to answer the question herself.
As Linda exited the game, Joan wished Linda luck on not being a massive alcoholic in the future.
During the third episode, Center of Gossip, Joan asked Reed if she could interview him. She then proceeded to question how he got into a bestiality controversy, and asked if it was just him that could not resist the appeal of adorable animals.
After listening to Lady speak, Joan then reported to the cameras that one specific Hawaiian tribesman could not stop speaking in Hawaiian tongues.
Joan proceeded to win VIP status, her first win in a line of many. She thanked the Host and America, and asked if the cameras caught her winning the Hawaiian competition. She stated that she had no idea what the citizens would give to her as a reward, and said that she would accept anything as long as it was not an invitation into Doug and Greed’s satanic cult.
After the TV Stars News announced more negativity towards Joan, Joan stated that she feared that she was rubbing the Hawaiian tribesmen the wrong way. She then asked for suggestions on improving Pawnee Today’s foreign relations.
Suddenly, Joan announced that she believed Pin might also be a part of the satanic cult that was operated by Doug and Greed. After the MVP, Joan then reported that a tribesman had won some kind of vote.
Later on before elimination, Reed revealed several messages from Greeling, one of which that insulted Joan. She leaned in with her microphone and asked how he felt about being the center of gossip.
She then asked Doug about how he felt about Greeling bashing his partner in a ‘satanic cult’. He did not respond, and then Joan told Reed that he seemed to be incredibly emotional.
After the tied vote, Joan announced to her cameras that, for the first time ever, the Hawaiians had encountered a problem with their cultural procedure.
The proceeding drama that occurred between Reed and Greeling proceeded to get caught on camera by Joan’s considerable crew. She then asked how her smile was on camera.
After the reveal that Greeling was cancelled and out of the game, Joan reported that the Hawaiians had come to a decision, and that the satanic cult leader was exiled. She called the event breaking news.
In episode four, Potcake, Joan announced that the Hawaiians had named their show “TV Stars”. She said she was unsure how it related to nature, but that oddities like it are what the Project Hawaii Fact-Finding Fun-Fest was all about.
She asked Pin, later after she said that she never went to school, if her government was brought down by bad educational funding. She then said that Pawnee was no longer the only place with an awful government, but was then interrupted by her earpiece.
She asked if she was not allowed to say that, but then her earpiece was ripped out of her ear by Reed. She screamed and told him to give it back to her, and then shoved him into a bush.
Joan then told him that she used it to talk to producers at Pawnee Today, and then tried to take it from him, only for him to drop it in a toilet. She smacked him and then told him that he was finished, and then called him a fairy. She then spat in Reed’s face.
After catching Walnut smoking weed, Joan announced that he was a confirmed drug addict, and then attempted to listen to her earpiece only to find that it was not there. With nothing to go on, she stuttered and then proceeded to get to the ‘real, raw’ side of the story and leaned in with her microphone, and then asked if he was craving big bong hits.
Walnut argued that weed is safe, and then Joan said that it was true and that the government was just corrupt.
To the camera, after Snake won VIP, Joan whispered and asked if he wanted to eat her alive. She then turned back and asked about his feelings on winning the challenge. She called the win undeserved and asked if he used any steroids or medication to enhance his performance. She commented that it was rare for some animal to beat a human more than once in a challenge, and asked for Snake to tell the viewers more.
As Snake called her an animal, Joan reported that Snake had no respect for women, and that he had no idea that they were all animals. Walnut asked why he was not being asked questions, and Joan reminded him about his marijuana addiction.
Joan was voted to be the MVP of the week, and she then gasped. She thanked America and said that it was such a pleasure to be living amongst Hawaiians. Joan was then given a tray of fruitcakes, and passed them out to Pin and Doug for the MVP bait.
She revealed she was hoping that Pin got the good bait, and she did. After a visit from Santa Claus to Pin, she laughed and listened in to her newly-gained earpiece given back from Reed himself. She reported that Santa lives in Hawaii.
After the Annoying Orange came into the game, Joan cut him in half and told him to stop making the noise. However, it was Audrey that murdered him. The two friends conspired together to get rid of Doug, and it worked, especially with his penalty vote against him.
Joan reported that she and Audrey had “unfortunately” killed an animate Hawaiian fruit. Joan then reported that, not only does Hawaii have talking snakes, but it also has talking fruits. She then wondered what kind of fruit it could be, and wondered if it were a tropical mango.
The voice in her new earpiece told her that she was on a game show, and Joan said she did not sign up for that. She then asked if she looked photogenic, and that that was all that mattered.
In episode five, Fish Murderer, Joan won VIP status yet again. She had reported previously that she hoped to win another ritual game, and upon winning, she gave a fake smile to the camera.
She told them all that it was wonderful to get immersed into their culture, and then said to the camera that she thought they were all wonderful.
After Princess Pin murdered a fish in plain view, Joan leaned in with a knife and asked if the allegations of her being a fish murderer were true. Pin asked why she was holding a knife, and then Joan nervously laughed and pulled out a microphone.
She reported that Pin was a hazardous human being, and asked what Pin had to say for herself. Reed told her to stop attacking Pin, and that it did not look good for her. Joan retaliated by saying his face did not look good for him. She backed herself up to the cameras by saying it was casual Hawaiian conversation.
Smoother Than My Raps, episode six, Walnut told Joan that she was talking to fake cameras. Joan then told him that he was an extreme pot addict, and then questioned if her cameras were real or not. Her eye then twitched as she put on her fake smile and asked if the cameras were real or not.
She screamed as she heard nothing coming from her earpiece, and then continued on with the game as if everything was normal. Princess Pin commented that urine was not normal, and Joan commented that unhealthy urine problems after a fish murdering scandal was karma.
Zayne tried to get Joan to stop messing with Pin, but she pushed him away and told him that he was getting in the shot.
After Snake won VIP status, Joan asked how it felt for him to win since Joan could not play. After Mohammed the Seal hobbled into the room and cuddled with someone, Joan commented that the Seal that Reed was supposedly in love with had returned to the house.
Mohammed gave MVP status to Joan, and she petted him on the head and said she was shocked that he did not hand off the MVP to his supposed boyfriend, Reed.
Episode seven, 70 Seal Virgins, Snake made a comment that Mystic Animals do not get along with other species. Joan then reported that there were other species of talking animals. Pin then suddenly kicked Mohammed, and Joan reported that Pin was xenophobic and hated Muslims. She then asked Reed about how he felt about Pin attacking his considerable boyfriend.
Joan then reported to her cameras that Pin was breaking the Muslim stereotype by trying to kill one of her own.
Joan went on to win VIP status, but her win was overshadowed by Pin snapping the neck of the Booka Seal. She told Snake that he was not the only one who could win challenges, and then laughed.
Joan then caught wind of what was going on and reported to her cameras that Princess Pin had murdered the Seal. She leaned in with her microphone to Zayn and asked how he felt on the matter, and he responded by telling Joan to leave him alone.
After elimination, Joan stated that it was useless for her to be on the show. After a voice said something through her earpiece, she immediately took it back and said that she loved hanging out with the crowd of crazy Hawaiians.
In episode eight, GOTCHA!, Joan said that every Hawaiian left the game after she unveiled their deepest and darkest secrets. She called it one “GOTCHA!” moment after another, and then laughed. She then commented that, with Satanists, DIDs, Cops, Marijuana Addicts, Racists, and Animal Killers, that everyone has a secret.
Upon Reed winning the VIP challenge, Joan pointed out that it was the first time someone other than herself had won the game. She asked Reed to comment, but he did not reply to her. After winning MVP status, Joan was guaranteed safety and Snake was left on the outside.
After his elimination, Joan laughed and said that she was back in control. She said that her agent asked for her to vote for him because it would give her a better chance of winning. She then was whispered something through her earpiece and then said that she was not winning anything, and that she was just in a Hawaiian village living amongst Hawaiians.
In the season finale, BIGSMILES, Walnut made a comment about how he was Korean, and Joan reported that he was racist and hated Koreans.
Upon winning VIP status, Joan was guaranteed safety in the game. As well, Joan secretly was guessing on her secret to get the RSVP. She finally received it and made it into her secret room and gained the final RSVP of the season.
Joan asked if the cameras were rolling, and when nobody responded, she asked if the cameras were rolling again, only a bit more explicitly.
At elimination, she pulled out her RSVP she worked so hard to win and handed it off to Lady. She reported it as a beautiful and amazing RSVP pass and said that she thought it would be more fun to give away. She stated that she was sorry to Reed, but because of his bestiality lifestyle, she could not give it to him.
She then apologized to Walnut and said that it would not be a good publicity move to endorse a Korean-hating marijuana abuser. She then said that it was about innocence, and that Zayn’s career could provide him a scandal later on, and therefore she chose to give it to Lady because she was the most benevolent.
After Zayn’s elimination, Joan told the cameras that she was with her three most favorite Hawaiian friends. Joan then won VIP status again and said that it was not shocking at all, and that she was great at the Hawaiian games.
She leaned in to the Host and asked what happened after the cancellation, and told him to enlighten the viewers. The Host revealed that it was going to be a final challenge, and Joan said that it sounded perfect.
She asked Pawnee to wish her luck, and then said she was going up against a Bestial Broadway Boy and a Marijuana Addict. She smiled forcedly into the camera and then went back to the final challenge at hand. Joan said she had been studying the Hawaiians carefully and that she knew everything.
Joan lost the final challenge to Reed, and she pulled out her earpiece in disgust and threw it down onto the ground. She stomped on it and began to cry, mascara running down her face. Joan screamed that she was working hard to win the show but that she could not do anything right, and that her own talk show was failing and that she was going to lose everything she owned.
She pulled out a few strands of hair and then held up the hair to the camera. She screamed that they were grey hairs. Walnut offered her a blunt, and Joan asked how he could insist she poison her body. She took his weed and threw it on the ground and stomped on it.
Walnut called it rude, and Joan told him to get over it and then unsheathed her microphone and threw it down. She asked about his relationship with cannabis, but then said she could not do it and wiped her tears. Reed voted to eliminate Joan and cast her onto the jury as the final jury member.
She screamed that her real show would get cancelled, and that she rolled around on the ground crying. She shouted that she hated the show and hated Hawaii, and that she was so close. Out of bitterness, she told Reed that nobody in a Satanist alliance would get her vote to win, and that he was dead wrong to think she could consider voting for Reed to win.
In the grand finale of it all, Joan had nothing to say to Reed or Walnut, and just cast her vote for Walnut to win, much like everyone else.
|Week||Voted For||Voted Against|
|1||Zayn||Lady, Princess, Ron|
|Cancelled, Week 11|
TV Stars Superstar Showdown
Joan returned to TV Stars in the first episode, Game of Joans. She kicked off the beginning of the game by stating that she was back to report for Pawnee Today, and that America may remember months ago when she appeared on TV Stars Hawaii. She commented that she was the brightest superstar in the game, and that she was going to win this time.
She talked about her past game experiences and discussed her exposing of PrincessPin for murdering the Booka Seal, and that she exposed Reed for supporting beastiality.
Later on in the opening VIP competition, Joan lost to Tyna and was mildly upset about it. She called her an old hag and laughed at her winning, referring to it as a shocking development. She later interviewed her, asking her how it felt to be the first VIP of the season.
Joan commented that she was excited to be back and play the “Game of Joans”. She then proceeded to talk with Tila about accusations that she was actually a Nazi, and asked for her opinions on other races.
Later on in the week, after people had stopped giving her their attention, she looked to Rachel to interview her about hating fat people, and proceeded to ask her about her baby. She was then “attacked” by Fanatic, who stated that she was annoying.
At elimination, Joan campaigned heavily to get Fanatic out of the game, but ultimately, it did not work.
In episode two, The Producers of This Show Are a Bunch of Fatists, Joan interviewed Louisa about her life back in London. Shortly after, she competed in the VIP competition and proceeded to win herself immunity for the week.
Joan then called Rachel out on being a fake fan of TV Stars, but nobody responded much to her accusation. Later on at elimination, Joan talked with Nan about her fight with Rachel, and asked her how she thought the vote would go.
Nan stated that it would be a doozie, and she was correct, as she was voted out unanimously.
In episode three, In The Spirit of the Olympics, Let the Games Begin!, Joan commented that journalism was a game of knives and murder. She then talked to Honey about biscuits, and suggested that Honey was calling her fat.
She argued with Honey briefly about it, and suggested that Honey was a fan that was just trying to get close to her. She gave her an autographed version of her memoir, and moved on to the VIP challenge.
After realizing she could not compete, she called for a helicopter to lift her out of the competition site. She became upset when one did not come, and commented that her production crew should be able to afford one, considering their budget was twelve dollars and a stolen shopping cart from Costco.
Joan did not win MVP like she had hoped for, and proceeded to become a target from Rachel at elimination. She interviewed her and argued about why she should stop trying to vote for her.
The votes came in, and Joan received many, but not enough to eliminate her. The vote tied, and ultimately, Fanatic was voted out in her place. After surviving the elimination, she turned to Reed and laughed at him for being a sexist and for being a liar.
Episode four, Slit Throats and Take People Out, had Joan mock Rachel for trying to get her out of the game, calling it a “public relations fiasco”. She proceeded to discuss one of her past relationships, but was quickly stopped by her production team that spoke to her through a microphone in her ear.
In the VIP auction challenge, Joan secured $400 dollars to spend on whatever she could get her hands on in the auction. However, despite having this high cash allowance, she did not spend it on much of anything besides a single piece of the VIP letter tiles.
At elimination, Joan was renewed ultimately as Rachel turned her sights for Tyna, Joan’s main ally in the game. Joan attempted to save her, but after realizing she could not, she voted for Tyna in the re-vote to eliminate her from the game.
Now without her ally, she looked to Louisa to team up with in the game.
In episode five, #HUGESMILES, Joan did not manage to win the VIP competition, and so she curled up into a ball on the ground and moped over possibly being eliminated. She dropped her microphone to the ground, and told the others to leave her alone.
However, to her surprise, she was voted as the MVP for the week, and was saved from elimination once again. At elimination, she voted out Reed out of revenge for him voting out Tyna, and it ultimately was successful.
In episode six, She’s Nothing But a Rat in a House Full of Snakes, Joan went on a tangent to her cameras about the sky changing colors, and learned about the passage of time that caused the sky to change. Despite this learning experience, Joan changed her focus back on the game when Rachel began moping about losing Reed.
She got into a heated argument with her, mocking her while talking into her cameras about how ridiculous Rachel was being.
In the VIP competition, Joan became distracted and lost out on the twisted fame task, leading to her being left out of the challenge. She did not take part in eating cookies with Louisa, and instead watched the challenge ensue.
At elimination, Joan commented to Honey that she had to go. In a confessional, she stated that, two rounds ago, she had believed that she was out of the game, but ultimately, she had risen back to the top of the competition.
In reaction to the straw-draw, Joan carefully documented everything that was going on, and laughed as Honey drew the short straw and was eliminated from the game.
During episode seven, This Game Has Been a Rollercoaster, Joan received a visit from Eric, her most hated former-partner in the world. She screamed at him and told him to go away, but ironically, Eric won the challenge for Joan and proceeded to remain in the House and vote with her at elimination.
In the finale of the competition, I’ve Been OUTWITTED, OUTPLAYED, and OUTLASTED, Joan became more cutthroat in order to win the competition. She sat out of the VIP competition and watched on as her competitors fought for the win. Louisa, her main ally, ultimately won, and Joan won the MVP of the week.
It was now here that Joan changed the game. She voted against Rachel to eliminate her from the competition, and caused a deadlocked tie. She laughed as Rachel was ultimately eliminated in fifth place, and called the account scandalous.
In the next round, Joan won VIP status, leaving Louisa eligible to be eliminated. After Dan was eliminated, she laughed and went on to win the final trivia competition of the game, securing herself a spot in the final two.
She quickly decided that she was taking Louisa to the end since they were great friends and allies, and Joan eliminated Catbug in third place, much to the dismay of America.
In the end, because of her moves near the end of the game, Louisa beat her and made Joan the second place runner up of TV Stars Superstar Showdown.
|Week||Voted For||Voted Against|
| Rachel, Honey, Reed, Fanatic;|
Rachel, BrICE, Reed
| Jury Votes|
|Dan, Honey, Tyna|
|Runner Up, Week 11|